Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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