It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
