im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
