Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
