Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
