i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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