fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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