Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
