a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
