I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
