You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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