I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
