Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
