I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
