You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
