Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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