thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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