the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
