Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
