i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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