There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
