I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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