sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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