Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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