so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
