I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
