A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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