can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My liver just had a heart attack.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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