I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
