u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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