On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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