i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
