I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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