Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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