He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
