apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
