dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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