And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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