Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
