the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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