Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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