when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
