my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
