gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
