I can text with my tongue
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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