I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
