jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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