When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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