dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
