the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
