I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
