just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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